JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who hits the relationship self-destruct button every time
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Check out some of Jane’s top recent advice:
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I demand endless sex
I am not a cool guy. I am a male bunny boiler.
How do I stop myself from losing my head and going completely nuts every time I fall in love with a new woman? I’ve been told that I’m ‘too much’. I’m guilty of love bombing the women I fancy. I buy stupidly expensive presents; I call and text fifty times a day and demand endless sex. I know that I overwhelm and even frighten lovers and inevitably drive them away.
I’m ashamed to say that I’m an obsessive, blundering fool.
The minute I meet someone new I drop friends and family like hot bricks. I slack off at work and concentrate all my efforts on my new relationship. There is no balance and no sense. I lose my mind. I fall too hard, too quickly. I become obsessed with my latest lover.
All I can think about is getting naked with that person.
I’m incapable of pacing myself.
Then there’s the insecurity and jealousy. My date only has to be late calling, texting or meeting me and I fly into jealous, anxious fits. I imagine she’s met someone else. I drive myself crazy with my ‘What if’s?’
My last partner was lovely. She was clever and kind but dumped me for being too controlling. She was right – I was. She lost it when I kept turning up at her work and finally accused her boss of bedding her. She dropped me on the spot in front of her disgusted colleagues.
I’m single again and genuinely frightened of dating.
My brother has warned that if I lose my head and kick off again then he wants nothing more to do with me.
What can I do to ensure that I don’t make a complete fool of myself all over again?
JANE SAYS: I felt exhausted simply reading your story.
Your roller coaster lovelife of extreme emotions can’t be good for your state of mind or your relationships with those around you. There’s nothing wrong with being a passionate person who enjoys being loved and cherished, but obsessive behaviour is never attractive or desirable.
Could it be that you need to work on your self-esteem and your confidence? Controlling behaviour often comes out of insecurity. The minute you get your claws into a girl, then you’re terrified of being abandoned. I suggest you take dating off the menu. Concentrate instead on learning how to feel good about yourself. Think about personal, mental and physical challenges.
Might mindfulness, yoga or a new sport help you to calm down and put life and relationships into perspective? Consider all options. Also think about speaking to your GP regarding your propensity to dive in and then, self-destruct. Might he or she be able to offer tips or point you towards further support?
You need to heed your brother’s warning and accept it as a wake up call. If he’s frustrated by your melodramas, then you risk losing him altogether. Get him to support you in identifying your most common mistakes.
Gossip girl
I thought I’d hit the jackpot when my mate’s sister agreed to go out with me. She’s gorgeous.
Unfortunately, I’ve quickly discovered that she’s also the world’s biggest – and nastiest – gossip. She wallows in the misfortune of others especially her ‘mates’. She’s vindictive and gloating and loves it when they fail.
Every time we go out, she chews my ear off with the latest juicy dirt, but I’m not interested. I just want her to be chatty and friendly and kind. Is that too old fashioned and boring?
JANE SAYS: Is she ever interested in anything you have to say?
You’re entitled to have a fun time on dates without hearing about a bunch of strangers you care nothing about.
Pick your moment and tell her that you admire her energy and her drive, but it’s not necessary to fill every silence. It could be that she gabbles when she gets nervous, or she simply likes the sound of her own voice.
Make it clear that you choose to see the good in people and don’t feel comfortable gossiping about others especially when the tone is so negative.
Sadly, if she doesn’t get it – or even takes offence – then you may have to conclude that she’s always going to irritate and frustrate you.
She’s refusing to cough up
My girlfriend’s firm are sending her to New York for ten months. She leaves in four weeks.
I’m happy for her (professionally) but not chuffed with the way she’s treating me. We rent a place together and she’s not prepared to pay her half of the bills while she’s away. She says I’ll have to ‘sort something out’.
How dare she?
JANE SAYS: Is she able to find an acceptable temporary lodger to fill her place? Presumably you’ve pointed out that she has committed herself to you and your flat and that she is responsible for half whether she’s here or there?
I suspect this is a turning point in your relationship as she’s being bratty and selfish. Should she come back to you at all? Should you find a permanent replacement?
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