JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is worried that he’ll disappoint his eager wife in their new love nest
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
She fancies other couples
My wife is terrifying me with her plans to revive our sex life. Our son is just about to leave home, and my wife wants to completely redecorate our bedroom to create a love nest. She wants red walls; fake fur throws and serious adult toys. She wants us to read erotic fiction, introduce role play and even consider sex with other people. She’s recently become friends with a couple of swingers from her hot yoga class.
I’m bricking it.
I admit that our sex life has fizzled out to almost nothing in the past few years due to work and family commitments, but what if I fail during this saucy sexual reboot?
What if I fail to give her the orgasms she expects and neglect to blow her socks off? Will she label me a flop? Will she dump me for someone more exciting and dynamic?
JANE SAYS: It’s fantastic that your wife is so keen to re-engage with you, but you’re entitled to ask her to take things slowly.
You and she can’t presume to go from 0 to 60 again without careful planning, understanding and kindness.
Vow to get to know each other again. Think about romantic walks and breaks and wooing.
There may even be some embarrassment about getting naked and touching. Reassure her that you’re completely on board in principle but press for baby steps because it would be a disaster if you ended up getting angry and frustrated with each other. Also be strong enough to veto anything you really don’t fancy. Redecorating a bedroom is one thing but agreeing to sex with strangers from a hot yoga class needs further discussion.
I wish he’d buck up
My ex-husband is stuck in rut. He’s still wearing the clothes I bought him twenty years ago and he refuses to update the house we once shared. He won’t move on. He says that if he can’t have me, then he doesn’t want anyone else. This is hard on me because I still feel responsible for him. And, it’s hard on him, because I know that he’s lonely and sex starved. I’ve tried to introduce him to some wonderful women – really clever, successful types – but he won’t agree to a single date. He’s a good looking guy with a lot to offer but he’s fading away.
Despite divorcing in 2020 I still feel responsible for him. He calls me every day. I always pick up because I feel guilty for leaving him for his best mate (my current partner).
I openly admit that I behaved badly. I started an affair with his mate that, very quickly, turned sexual. I wasn’t planning to fall in love, but I did. Within a couple of weeks my lover and I had decided to move in together. I’m not proud of myself. I was a coward. I waited until my ex-husband was on a work trip before packing up my stuff and leaving before he got home. I left him a hastily scribbled ‘sorry’ note that broke his heart.
He didn’t know what he’d done wrong and rang my mobile phone constantly for weeks until my brother was forced to tell him to ‘back off’. Today I’m settled and need my ex to be happy, but he fights the idea of a fresh beginning. My new partner is amazing but I’m aware that he has his limits and is getting sick of me pandering to my ex. What do I do next?
JANE SAYS: There’s no arguing that you behaved badly by starting an affair, but what’s done is done. It’s very sad that your ex is finding it hard to move on, but you can’t carry this physical and emotional burden forever.
I’d say that your new partner is being incredibly patient, but I can’t imagine that he’s going to put up with this toing-and-froing for much longer. The fact is that you’re in a new relationship now and your ex-husband is a part of your past. Your ex isn’t your friend and isn’t interested in being anything other than your husband. As you have no plans or desire to go back to him, then he must hear that some drastic changes must be made. Sit him down and be clear about how things are going to be from now on. Explain that a final break is long overdue. Does he need to seek help from his old friends or family members or see his GP regarding therapy?
Tell him that you respect his views, but you’re not perfect and he deserves to be happy, loved and supported again. You’ve got to be tough about not answering your phone and putting your new relationship first. Otherwise, your new guy may begin to question your loyalties, and I don’t think anyone would blame him for that.
Alarm bells
My ex-boss is messing about with my ex-husband.
Big mistake. I see pictures of them on socials. She doesn’t know that he was controlling and cruel throughout the whole of our marriage and that he kept me short of money.
He can be attentive and charming when he wants to be, but he has a dark side. He’s never really let me go and still keeps tabs on me. My friend says I must tell this woman the truth, because she has money that he’ll inevitably take from her. Is it really my place to intervene when I can finally see an opportunity to get rid of him for good?
JANE SAYS: If your conscience (prompted by your friend) is telling you that you must warn your vulnerable ex-boss, then take a deep breath and tell your story. However, don’t expect to be thanked or even believed.
The problem is that anything you say to this woman will inevitably come across as spiteful. You may even be accused of being jealous and vengeful. Sadly, if she is already falling hard, then the chances are she won’t want to hear anything negative; that she’ll dismiss your experience as being your business and nothing to do with her. It’s very hard watching someone else making the same mistakes as us, but you’re not his keeper and it’s best that you put yourself first.
Party poopers
Everyone nagged me to have a party for my birthday – and no one turned up. I spent a fortune on food, drink and decorations because 40 good friends said they were free. People started dropping out at around 3pm with the most pathetic excuses. At 9pm I was standing in an empty room. How can I speak to anyone again?
JANE SAYS: People frequently disappoint us in life, but you cannot allow this episode to bring you down. I think you’re within your rights to tell your closest friends that you’re seriously miffed – especially those who encouraged you to throw the party in the first place.
Chalk this down to experience and make sure you think things through the next time a bright spark has a brilliant idea.
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