JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who worries she’s being edged out
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I blame myself for seducing her
My boyfriend wants his ex-girlfriend to move in with us.
He thinks the three of us should live together as a throuple. In fact, he says that if I’m not prepared to welcome her into our bed, then I’d better start packing my stuff because it’s his flat and this is what he wants.
I’m in an impossible situation. He knows how much I love and rely on him. I’m estranged from my family; I don’t have many friends and have nowhere else to go.
I know his ex-girlfriend very well. The three of us have slept together half a dozen times.
The first time we all hooked up I was very drunk at a party. When I’m drunk, I’m horny. I remember stripping off and dragging my guy into an empty bedroom. Suddenly his ex was there too so I invited her to join us. The fumbling, sweaty, grubby sex was good.
Then, a few nights later, she turned up at this flat with a box of wine and we ended up naked all over again. That’s been the pattern ever since. Now he wants her to be with us full time. But it’s not what I want.
In many ways I blame myself for this mess. If I hadn’t engaged with her in the first place, then this situation would never have arisen. But it has and now I don’t know where I stand.
My guy says he can’t blow this opportunity because she’s a good person who he still has feelings for. Frequently we row and he calls me small minded and mean for objecting to her presence. But she feels like a threat to me. I know that plenty of people live happily in three-way arrangements, but I feel vulnerable and in over my head. What’s to be done?
JANE SAYS: The three words that stand out the most are ‘It’s his flat’.
Your boyfriend holds all the power. Basically, if he wants his ex to move into his space, then it’s game over. He owns the flat, he calls the shots.
I agree that plenty of people do live together in polyamorous relationships. Consensual, non-monogamy set-ups where individuals sleep, live and love with others with the blessing of everyone concerned are not unusual. But you must remember that you are you and it’s not for him to corral you into a situation that doesn’t feel right.
Could it be that they’ve (secretly) reconnected behind your back and this is his sneaky way of edging you out? Is he being entirely honest with you? Start talking. Explain how vulnerable and exposed you feel. Having occasional sex with his ex-girlfriend is one thing but inviting her to live with you is quite another.
What about the practicalities of bills, cooking and washing? Are they going to sit back while you wait on them hand, foot and finger? You continually refer to this woman as his ‘ex-girlfriend’ but surely, she’s more than that now.
Is he in love with her? Does he see his future in her arms – to the exclusion of you? Are you inclined to reconcile with your family? Of the few friends you do have, are any of them able to help and support you? I fear you’ve thrown your lot in with a man who has his eyes on a different prize. Start looking out for yourself.
Call me mummy
My new boyfriend likes me to call him ‘mummy’ during sex. He likes to spank me when I’m least expecting it and bonk me over the kitchen counter. I’m just back in the dating game after a bitter divorce. Is this what everyone is doing these days? I don’t like to complain in case he thinks I’m uptight.
JANE SAYS: Your body – your call.
Level with this guy in the cold light of day and make it clear what the relationship rules and boundaries are. You don’t have to feel obliged to do anything you’re not comfortable with. People are individuals and, no, not everyone is like him. Stay true to yourself and know your limits. If he’s not right for you, then part ways and find someone who is.
He fancies on-line sex
How can I make my girlfriend more experimental and adventurous in bed? I crave different positions; role play and dirty talk. I want early nights and massage oil and maybe, even, online sex with other people.
In everyday life she’s bubbly, chatty and popular but she’s eerily uptight when it comes to sex.
I don’t know if this is out of embarrassment or lack of imagination, but something needs to give. If I say something suggestive, she simply ignores me. When I ask if a particular act feels nice, she whispers: ‘yes’. Otherwise, I feel like I’m on my own, which is soul destroying for a thrill seeker like me…
JANE SAYS: It’s possible your girlfriend lacks confidence or feels embarrassed, but she needs to be assured that she won’t be judged by you. Talk to her away from the bedroom. Was she a victim of mistreatment in the past?
Does she need to speak to a health professional?
Make it clear that you love her and want her to feel relaxed. Would it help to go right back to basics and kick start your love life with early nights, gentle exploration and honesty?
Being open must be the way forward. That said, she could simply be an individual who isn’t tactile or sexually motivated. Is that a problem for you?
He wants short hours and a big salary
My bloke doesn’t like to work.
He lazes around all day. I’m ashamed to be saddled with a person who has no ambition and no drive. I still work full-time and feel as though I’m carrying him. We row about this all the time. He will not consider getting any job that doesn’t suit him 100 per cent i.e. short hours and big salary. We’ve already downsized once and now I fear we’ll have to move again. How am I expected to love and respect a man who only ever thinks of himself?
JANE SAYS: Let’s start by giving your man the benefit of the doubt. Is it possible that he has lost his drive and started to doubt himself? Far from simply being ‘lazy’, could he be struggling with confidence issues?
Does he need to see his GP?
Tell him that you’ll support him in getting back on his feet again. However, if he’s adamant that he isn’t prepared to seek help, then can you stay in an environment where you feel put upon? Of course, relationships are all about sticking together, but if you’re exhausted and feel exploited, then maybe you and he aren’t destined to go the distance. Start talking and work out where you both go from here.
#regret #inviting #bed #live #throuple
