Our resident TV addict Tom Stichbury has taken a trip down memory lane to bring you the vintage hits (and misses) he’d like to see back on the box….
Fresh from quitting the Beeb, ex-Match of the Day host Gary Lineker has netted his next gig, presenting brand-new ITV game show The Box.
The format features 10 yellow containers, each housing a celebrity participant who gets whisked away to mystery destinations before being unleashed to tackle whatever challenge lies beyond the door.
But if you ask me, they just don’t make telly treats like they used to.
Now I’ve been pondering the shows I’d save from the scrapheap and put back on our screens…
Brush up
No one could possibly describe children’s fave Art Attack as paint by numbers. It even had a literal talking head… well, big-chinned bust.
Running from 1990 to 2007, host Neil Buchanan – who memorably debunked rumours he was graffiti artist Banksy – staged jaw-dropping large-scale illusions using everything from random items of clothing to vegetables.
Maybe a revival with a still-knocking-about Buchanan is what’s needed to get the yoof of today off their bloody phones.
Nice to see you, to see you…
Granted, Generation Game has been unsuccessfully rebooted a few times.
Pitting teams of family members against one another, the classic series was originally hosted by the late, great Bruce Forsyth before Jim Davidson took over. Since then, Paul O’Grady, Graham Norton and, most recently, Mel and Sue have presented versions.
Failure might seem inevitable, yet I refuse to sign a “do not resuscitate” order on this goldie oldie. It’s simple feel-good entertainment, with the underlying threat of some thrilling family rows.
Slam dunk
Helmed by Chris Tarrant, blokes-only pageant Man O Man was the full package in more ways than one. But it failed to make a splash with critics, treading water from 1996 to ’99.
Each week, 10 guys tried to woo the female audience through titillating tasks, from delivering their best pick-up line, to posing in tight trunks. The least impressive was shoved into a swimming pool.
Top-notch trash telly, it beats watching scantily-clad wannabe influencers bonking on Love Island, or ex-Made in Chelsea toffs apparently searching for “love” on Celebs Go Dating.
Look Sharp
Remember Funhouse? Perky Pat Sharp was the perfect fit for this kids’ staple, which first opened its doors in ‘89.
Joined, rather randomly, by even perkier twin cheerleaders Melanie and Martina Grant, he oversaw proceedings as youngsters tackled a range of gunk-tastic challenges, before competing in a go-kart race and, finally, gaining entry to the titular funhouse.
Bear with me, but I propose a primetime-slot adults-only spin-off, fronted – and this is a deal-breaker – by someone with a Sharp-inspired mullet. You can already picture Alison Hammond as a contestant tumbling down a giant slide into a ball pit. TV gold.
Fresh pair of eyes
You might reasonably argue that Stars in Their Eyes returned to our screens in the guise of ITV’s Starstruck, which arrived in 2022.
Presided over by Olly Murs, this sister show also featured regular folk doing spot-on impressions of their beloved artists. However, like most covers, it didn’t quite hit the same notes as the original, first hosted by Leslie Crowther, and then Matthew Kelly.
Despite a razzle-dazzle judging line-up, including Shania Twain and Beverley Knight, the redo lacked a vital ingredient: a s*** ton of dry ice. Until bigwigs give the greenlight to the series proper, I’ll keep performing Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s WAP in a very steamy shower.
Balls up
Comic Jasper Carrott had the Midas touch when he signed up for ITV’s Golden Balls.
Four players were dealt shiny orbs worth varying amounts of dough, from a tenner to £75k, with “killer” options which divided the total sum. At the end, the finalists had to decide, unbeknownst to each other, whether to “share” or “steal” the jackpot – genuinely nerve-shredding stuff.
With The Traitors UK proving that the nation has an insatiable appetite for cloak-and-dagger shenanigans, this delectably deceptive teatime delight deserves a second roll.
Top of the pots
A former mainstay of the Saturday-night schedule, the BBC’s snooker-themed Big Break racked up the ratings between 1991 and ’02. Funnyman Jim Davidson shot it out the park with referee sidekick John Virgo, as members of the public joined forces with professionals to pocket prizes.
Thanks to the bromance between a (pre-cancelled) Davidson and Virgo, the series appealed even to non-snooker fans like me. And I still don’t know how it’s different to pool.
With darts-based Bullseye having already stepped up to the oche again with ex-cricketer Freddie Flintoff, it would be, ahem, cue-pid not to have another round.
Axe factor
Unsurprisingly, long-running British game show The Krypton Factor had plenty of stamina, lasting from 1977 to ’95. Legendary presenter Gordon Burns put contestants well and truly through the wringer, as they faced a string of mental and physical tests to determine who was the “Superperson” of the year.
Lovely Ben Shephard went on to stage a short-lived revival in the noughties. And in the never-give-up spirit of the show, I remain convinced it hasn’t run its course.
We all love acts of human endurance – and also, let’s face it, the potential for injury. In 1989, participant Judith Stafford broke her ankle mid-challenge and gamely carried on. What a gal.
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